Humiliated

By CRAIG EDWARD KELSO

*My first concert was Neil Diamond … with my mother.

*In elementary school, I fell in deep love with Carmen. As I rode my bike, she called out hello to me from across the street. Mesmerized, I smiled widely … and then SLAMMED into the bus stop bench, tumbling onto the sidewalk. She screamed in horror, clasping her face with her hands. She kept asking if I was okay. I told her I was fine, and I limped all the way home. Totally fucked up my bike.

*My first car was an early 70s VW bug, white. And I crashed the front end within the month of having it painted and tricked out.

*When I arrived at CVSP, I was so scared I shit my pants. And I cannot, for the life of me, remember how I got rid of my shitty pants. But I did, and no one ever noticed.

*I am old enough to have seen the movie The Color Purple in a theatre, and I went with Lip. I cried.

*Concha and I broke up, in high school, for like a week. In swooped Diana. She was known for being a loose gal, ready for action. She drove a Volvo. She took me to UTC in La Jolla, and on the drive back she parked her car near a lake. I started to sweat. She asked what I wanted to do next, and I told her, Go home. The next day at school she wouldn’t even look at me. 

*At a strip club, years and years ago, one of the dancers took a liking to a friend in our group. Seriously. She legitimately liked him. To get to him she had to go through me. In a perfect mood-killing moment, I said to her, Yeah, I don’t like this story. What are you going to tell your kids about how you guys met? Her eyes watered, and she ran to the dressing room.

*When I was much younger, I stole items of no consequence from the same Seven Eleven store my mother worked at. As I emptied my junk into the bathroom of a nearby school, a teacher walked in and asked where I got it all. I didn’t answer fast enough, and I doubt I answered to his satisfaction in any event. He walked me to the administration office. I met the principal, Mr. Cafeteria. He scolded me, and then he called my mother. Mom called my dad, who, by the way, worked as a cop for the San Diego Police Department. I didn’t know mom called him, and so when TWO uniformed officers showed up, one being my father, I just about fainted. HE HANDCUFFED ME, and he tossed me in the back of the squad car. He took me down to the station, and he made me watch the processing of real criminals. These were the days when police would fucking punch and man-handle fools. I promised to never steal again. Days later, I was throwing stereo equipment and records (the big 33s) over the outdoor fence at Target into large trashcans. I vowed to never be bullied by anyone. I did what I wanted. Never learned my lesson, I guess.

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Craig Edward Kelso is a felon, father, husband, controversialist. He lives in Southern California with is adorable family.

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