Me: What are you doing?
You’re so stupid.
Ha.
What are you doing, seriously?
You caught me in a spare moment.
You’re impossible to get ahold of.
It’s easy if you know when to call.
But what are you doing nowadays?
Working. Studying. All that.
Right before I called, what were you doing?
Jesus.
Just answer.
Masturbating in the shower, crying.
Disgusting.
Ha.
Never mind.
Ha.
I am recording this.
Ugh.
Don’t be mad.
Another interview?
Yes. Last one.
You always say that.
A lot has happened.
Not really.
I am excited for you.
Why?
Because you’re in love.
No one cares.
I do.
That’s because you’re weird.
You calling me weird. That’s funny.
Ha.
Tell me about her.
What do you want to know?
How did you meet?
I really love our story.
What happened to your last girlfriend?
I killed her and ate her.
Stupid!
Ha.
Seriously.
She wasn’t really a girlfriend.
What do you mean?
She was a friend, and we were close, but it wasn’t like serious or anything. We’re still cool.
I thought you liked her a lot.
I did.
What happened then?
Nothing really happened. I liked her a lot, but I couldn’t see much more than hanging out with her. I didn’t really see any kind of future. I haven’t seen a future with anyone in my life, really.
Why can’t you just hang out? Why does everything have to be serious?
It doesn’t have to be serious. I enjoyed her for what we were. Friends and fun. That was it.
So why did you guys break up?
We faded. My life is hard. I cannot always be the good time dude. I cannot party at the drop of a hat. I have a different kind of life.
She wanted to party?
She wanted a normal kind of relationship, and I hate normal.
What?
I hate typical. I hate usual. I hate middle class.
You’re so strange, Kelso.
I know.
So you hated her?
Ha. No. Of course not. We’re cool. Totally friends.
Just tell me what happened.
I lost interest. She felt that. She called me on it. I told her the truth.
You did?
Yeah. Let others have typical and usual. I don’t want it. I want perfection.
Um, dude, you’re far from perfect.
Ha. True enough.
What do you mean?
I mean I want a relationship worth the trouble. I want what I want in the way I want it. I settled before. I’ve settled every time in the past. I just took what was in front of me, hoping it would somehow work out.
That’s kind of mean.
How?
To the women you were with before.
Oh, no, it wasn’t them. It was totally me. I was never man enough to admit it to myself. I made excuses and I compromised my values. I compromised them so much I ruined my life.
I still think you’re mean.
Oh.
So you guys broke up.
Faded, really. She never really understood me.
No one does.
Ha.
Go on.
She had her ideas of what a relationship is, and I had mine. She and I were what we both needed at the time. Nothing more.
Okay. So you found someone new?
No. I didn’t date for like a year or longer.
I guess that’s right, huh?
Yeah.
Why not?
Absolutely no interest. Some people jump from relationship to relationship. They’re lonely.
No one wanted to be with you.
Ha. That’s so funny.
That’s the truth.
Maybe. I don’t know. Offers here and there. I just kept women at a distance.
Why?
I am not good at making decisions in the heat of the moment. I tend to over emphasize what is available rather than really sizing a woman up. I wanted to give myself space to make better decisions.
Do you have to be in a relationship?
No. I learned that pretty clearly by all that has happened to me. I am happy to be alone or single or whatever. I don’t need a steady woman.
I don’t know if I believe you.
Ha.
Anyway. How did you meet your current girlfriend?
The blog.
Yeah!
Ha. You’re taking credit for her?
Totally.
Ha.
She read the blog?
She read the last interview, yes.
How did she find out about it?
Someone told her what happened to me, and she googled me I guess.
So you knew her before?
Yes.
How?
She is a former student.
Kelso!
Ha. You’re totally pretending to be outraged.
Kelso! That’s horrible!
Ha.
Just kidding.
I know.
What year?
What year was she my student?
Yeah.
Like ten years ago.
But nothing happened back then, right?
Ha.
I think that’s a good question.
Ha.
You’re not going to answer.
Yes, yes. I’ll answer. No. She wasn’t really all that involved in school, but she remembered me as a teacher she enjoyed. But, no, nothing ever happened between us.
Were you guys close back then?
No. All I really remember about her was her calling me a Backstreet Boy.
Why?
She said I looked like one of them.
No way.
Ha.
When you were skinny.
Of course.
So you guys didn’t really know one another back then?
No. Not really. We never kept in contact over the decade.
She just found out about your affair with the girl?
Yeah. Like a few months ago. She had no idea what happened to me.
And she still contacted you?
Yep.
Crazy.
Not really. Happens all the time.
Why do you think they contact you?
It’s like a car crash or something. You don’t want to look, but you look. It’s such a wild story, and maybe they felt some kind of connection to me years ago. But mostly it’s just to make sure I am okay.
So obviously she emailed me, right?
Yeah. You gave her my number and she texted me.
And you fell in love with her?
Almost. It was pretty quick.
Kelso!
Ha.
What happened?
We eventually talked, and I loved her voice. I could hear her strength. I could also hear a bit of pain and sadness at her life and where she was in her journey. We talked for a few hours, and I was so impressed. We had an instant rapport. We had instant chemistry. We laughed constantly. I remember thinking how easily she laughed with me. No awkwardness. No strangeness. Just sparks.
You fell in love that fast?
Ha. No.
Keep going.
Ha. We basically ended the call, and I texted her some information, a book I think, and told her to take care. She texted back she hoped it would not be the last time we talked. I told her a decade could not keep us apart, and so we would talk again if she wanted.
Weird.
Ha.
And you contacted her again?
Through a series of flukes, I had to contact her. It had to do with my phone. After every time a former student texts or calls, I erase them. My phone is so ghetto is doesn’t really hold much information. I almost have to. But I also don’t want to live in the past, and I figure they got whatever concerns out of their system and will move on.
But you did contact her again?
Yes. I thought she might have tried to send me something, but I wasn’t sure if it was her. I told her that. She told me it was obvious I was trying to get with her.
Whoa!
So goddamn funny.
But you were.
No, not at all. It was innocent enough. But I loved how funny she was. How she felt comfortable enough to make that kind of joke.
Sounds like you.
I know.
And you guys started talking again?
Immediately. Things just took off from there. We talked about her life and goals, and I suggested ways for her achieve them. We talked about my life, what happened between me and the girl, and about all the many ways I destroyed my life.
It’s depressing.
Ha.
She wasn’t scared?
The opposite. She and I share the idea that all the choices we make are ours, and we can’t really live in regret. She didn’t know she felt that way, at first, but she agreed it was true.
You told me she has a kid, right?
She does.
Kelso, that is so strange.
Having a kid is strange?
No, that you would be with someone who has a kid.
Why?
I don’t know. It just seems strange.
She has a beautiful daughter, roughly 2 years old. I love that she has a child.
Why?
Because it forces her to focus on what is important. She has to be serious. And it shows me she has lived. She is more of woman to me in that sense. I love it. She is a devoted and dedicated mother. Women who don’t want or like kids aren’t really women to me for some reason. They’re more like guys without dicks.
Gross.
Ha.
How old is she?
25.
Kelso!
Ha.
She’s too young for you.
Ha.
Seriously.
I want that to be the title of the interview. Guys without dicks.
Stop it.
Ha.
You’re too old to have kids.
Ha.
Seriously.
Why are bitches so preoccupied with this subject?
Bitches?
Women, yes. Why do you guys care who I stick my dick in or who I love? Why is it any of your business? Do you really think I seek or need your approval for anything I do?
Women, yes. Why do you guys care who I stick my dick in or who I love? Why is it any of your business? Do you really think I seek or need your approval for anything I do?
You’re so fucking mean, Kelso.
If it’s mean to tell you you’re a bitter piece of shit to obsess over the details of my life, then so be it.
Are you mad?
Not at all.
She is like 17 years younger!
So fucking what.
That’s a pretty big gap.
I don’t care what you or what anyone else thinks.
I know.
Why waste your breath?
Just saying.
But why does it at all matter? I would never even for a second care about who you’re dating, who you’re in love with, or the circumstances. I honestly don’t give a shit.
I know.
She is such a good and loving person. That is what matters. She is strong. She is the woman I have always wanted. I call her my Dream Girl.
That’s sweet.
It really is. She like me has made mistakes. She hasn’t been treated very well by dudes, and I want so badly to change that.
I cannot believe she wants to be with you, Kelso.
Ha.
She is crazy.
Ha.
Have you told her everything?
Yes.
All of it?
Yes.
Does she know how poor you are?
Yes.
Does she know how hard your life is?
Yes.
She is crazy.
Ha.
She must be.
You have to meet her. She will impress you right away. She is exactly what I have always wanted. I hate flakes. I hate fickle. She is steadfast, sure. Her yes is a yes, and her no is a no. She is by far the smartest woman I have been with, but that isn’t saying much. She speaks flawless English and flawless Spanish.
She is Mexican?
Yeah.
Kelso, haven’t Mexican girls done enough to you?
Ha. You’re Mexican, stupid.
I know. But Mexican girls are bad for you.
Ha.
Just kidding.
Duh.
How serious is this?
Super.
Super serious?
Yes. I want to marry her.
Kelso!
I do.
What does she say?
Yes, for the most part.
For the most part?
Yes. I don’t know if she believes me. But I am serious about wanting to build something with her. I want a family. I want to give her all of my love, my life.
Wow.
Ha.
I never thought you would want that.
Me neither. I always have, but I have never found anyone I really, truly wanted it with. It always defaulted into something like that, but my heart wasn’t in it. This time, it is.
You want to be husband and father?
Yes.
I don’t know, Kelso. You’re not very good at that.
I know, I know. I never had the entire package of a person. I wasn’t ready to meet someone so wonderful, so beautiful, and so worthy of my time. I am fortunate to have her in my life. I want to make something amazing with her.
I am not used to this side of you.
Ha.
Seriously.
I haven’t ever felt this way. Never. I have had fits and starts, little glimpses of feelings like it, but nothing this strong, nothing this right.
I guess that’s good.
Okay.
I like it. I do.
You sound troubled.
It’s strange to hear, that’s all. You are pretty guarded with your feelings toward women when we talk.
That’s on purpose. I haven’t been in love before. I thought it was love. But mostly it was a physical thing and we mixed emotions up with it. I have wanted something like this, but I haven’t been able to find it.
I wish people could hear your voice right now.
Ha.
You’re so serious.
I am. It’s real for me. I love her. All the right elements hit at the right time.
But you always tell me how hard your life is now.
It is. This isn’t going to be easy for her, and she knows it. I’ve told her many times, warned her many times. She gets it. And that’s a most important quality to me in a woman. She gets it. I am tired of explaining things, especially jokes.
She gets your jokes.
Instantly. And she gives it back. She can handle me. No woman has ever gotten my humor so quickly and completely. I still get in a lot of trouble because most people are rather dense.
Right. You’re so brilliant.
I am. You’re right. And it takes an equally brilliant person like you to recognize that fact. Thanks.
Does she have any idea of what an asshole you are?
Ha. Oh yeah, she knows. Words like dick and asshole fly out of her mouth at various times when we speak. She knows, and that’s for sure.
I like her already.
There’s not a whole lot not to like. I spend a good amount of my day trying to show her how much I appreciate her love.
Like what?
I talk to bums and get them to tell her I love her over the phone.
I talk to bums and get them to tell her I love her over the phone.
Oh my God, Kelso!
She loves it. She laughs and laughs and laughs.
What else?
What else? What other guy risks his life to get bums to propose to her? Ha. I also write her really bad poetry. I haven’t flexed that muscle in a while.
You’re a good writer.
Wow. You actually said something nice about me.
You are. You can express yourself well.
She brings it out of me. All these emotions have waited for home. She is home, and her kiss is life.
That’s beautiful, Kelso.
Thanks.
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