CRAIG EDWARD KELSO, Welfare Whores

 Tom never stops reminding people he is a veteran.

I never stop reminding Tom he volunteered, and that my taxes paid him handsomely for his so-called service – a service I didn’t ask him to perform, a service I find detestable.

Tom gets mad at women on welfare who have three kids from three different fathers. He calls them whores and welfare queens because they get free education for the kids, subsidized rent, and direct cash payments from the government. 

I tell Tom HE is the fucking welfare queen, as he continually goes to the VA for FREE medical care (which I pay for), gets zero interest loans for housing (which I subsidize), and other benefits including education (he’s going to a vocational college to earn a certificate – which I also pay for). I tell Tom to remove himself from the welfare rolls before criticizing whorish welfare queens.

Tom doesn’t like cops because, well, Tom likes to drink … and drive. Tom earned a DUI, and so he now hates cops.

I tell Tom he LOVES cops, he WORSHIPS cops, and if he could he would BE a cop. In fact, I tell Tom, you WERE a cop when you were in the military (all service members are cops, by definition).

Tom believes everyone should have to work for what they get, and he believes people on welfare ought to be drug tested.

I tell Tom that is pretty ballsy thing to say because not only does Tom DO drugs (he loves pot), but he will collect HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS in government welfare over his lifetime.

Tom tells me to shut the fuck up.

I tell Tom the polite thing to do would be to THANK ME for working hard and paying my taxes so that I can support his medical care, his education, and, ultimately, his drinking and drug habits.

Tom walks away.

I smile.

And I mean it. 

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checalaloskelsos@gmail.com
  
Craig Edward Kelso is the author of Anarcho-Capitalism (2014), a primer on the philosophy of peaceful, stateless cooperation. His curriculum vitae include a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from San Diego State University, and a Post-Baccalaureate secondary education credential in both Social Science and English Language Arts. Kelso taught for nearly a decade in the American public school system, and was voted by colleagues Teacher of the Year, twice in his short tenure, earning numerous accolades from chambers of commerce, mayors, state assembly persons, governors, congresspersons, senators, and even Wal-Mart. Currently he struggles to earn an opportunity to be employed, working as a laborer, dishwasher. He is deliriously happily married to Myra Kelso, living in Southern California with their adorable children.