Saturday, January 23, 2016

CRAIG EDWARD KELSO, The Virtue of Being Picky

*Written early 2011

In an episode of one of my favorite television shows, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry is given a gift by his wife (the SUPER hot Cheryl). She allows him to have nookie with another woman, no questions asked, and all he has to do is the seal the deal before a certain date. To goad him, she gives this gift with laughing condescension – even though he’s got the green light, she doesn’t believe another woman will take him up on the offer; worse, she doesn’t believe he has the, uh, BALLS to go through with it.

To any man with the slightest self-respect, this isn’t a challenge from which he can back down. No, sir. He must find willing vagina, and he must find it post-haste! The wife must pay for her doubt, her denial of his mojo. 

Curb is a layered show, and the genius is how it works tons of little stories around a larger theme. Larry is cast in The Producers, and this serves as a nice plot walk-around. 

Everything kind of goes together. Larry fields different offers, different scenarios, but something always pulls him away. Something about the babe he’s about to bag drives him off.

Time-is-a-clicking, and his best friend knows about the generous offer and Larry’s wife’s scornful attitude, and when your BEST buddy knows … it only ADDS to the pressure. 

The entire time, I am thinking, HELL NO, if I had Cheryl, I wouldn’t need to stray! But Larry is on a mission. Guy code means respect of The Mission. The Mission at all cost! Fuck yeah.

The final scene has the comely female lead in The Producers willing and ready to help Larry win his marital bet. She wants it, he’s about to take it, and then … Larry spies a picture of George W. Bush. 

Dub-ya! Wait, you like Bush? You’re a neo-conservative? You’re a Republican?


Oh my good lord how I laughed and laughed. 

HE COULDN’T DO IT. However hot the chick was, however badassedly she was willing to rock him, he can’t bring himself to unleash the beast.

I totally get that. TO-TALLY.

It might not seem like it, but I am VERY picky. For me to be with someone in any intimate way, for me to let them into my world, my thoughts, and to who I am, I need to respect her. If I do not respect her, no matter how beautiful she thinks she is, I … just … can’t … fake … the … funk. Can’t. 

I’ve always been very different from guy friends in this regard. They can bed just about anything, so long as it’s willing (and better yet if it and they are inebriated). Not me. I dunno why that is, but it is. NOTHING physiological, to be a little grosser still, will happen if I believe her to be trash. 

Zero. Caput. Nada. 

The only exception is Kate Upton, of course. Kate can be whatever she wants. 

And I mean it.



Craig Edward Kelso is a felon, father, husband, controversialist, living in Southern California with his adorable family. 

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