Saturday, January 31, 2015


You HAVE to come and speak! she pleaded with me on the phone. I am part of the General Assembly, and I’ll give you my time. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

I made my way down there one day, and I found Grateful Dead fans had made hot monkey love to their next generation, Phish fans, and the aborted afterbirth spread out on the concourse of the San Diego Civic Center. 

Hippies afoot! Hippies abound! And where there are hippies, cooler heads and reasoned thinking leave for considerably higher ground (as does hygienic practice generally).

A college-aged gal, quite pretty, held a sign the media could not resist in photographing incessantly (it later appeared in one of our local free weeklies). It read, “American” Dream MY ASS! All I could think to myself was, yes, her ass from my vantage point could very well have been a contender. Nice. Hahahahaha. 

Poorly punctuated and ill-thought, her sign served as a neat metaphor for all that is wrong with self-appointed, government-approved protest movements.

Make no mistake, bubba, the Occupy San Diego (Occu-tards) crowd is COMPETELY in the pocket of government officials. They’re the darlings of labor unions, ESPECIALLY public-employee unions, and their bedfellows offer nothing of any use, nothing constructive.

I moved uneasily among the Occu-tards, and, sure enough, they broke into assemblies. 

Oh, goodie. 

Groupthink! Voting! Circular debate! Pointlessness! Yay! 

One of the leaders, a dude who had a bullhorn, talked in a language I hadn’t heard in years, the patois of philosophical Dinosaurs, Marxism. 

My beady eyes circled wide at his rejoinders and jingoisms. 

He covered it all. 

The people need jobs. The people need livable wages. The rich should be jailed. The homeless have a right to housing. All people have a right to health care. End corporate greed.  Revolution now. 

He mentioned something about being part of an official Socialist group, pointed to a table filled with books with the same bent, and thrust a fist in the air.

Oh, Occu-tards. Sweet Occu-tards. Lovely Occu-tards. Your hearts are in the wrong place, and your thoughts are those of misery-inflicting authoritarians. You and your ilk want to take the force and coercion of governmentalism and statism you DON’T like and replace it with the force and coercion of governmentalism and statism you DO like. 

The difference is style, not substance.

All the calories Occu-tards used to make signs, the calories burned to gussy themselves up in hipster gear, and the heat energy expended to socially network with officials … might’ve been better spent at a library, brushing up on mathematical, language, history, and economic learning. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don’t speak. Humble yourself. Learn. Listen. Pack up your tent and bongos, extinguish your joints, and try not Facebook-ing, Tumblr-ing, nor Tweet-ing for a few months. 

Sober up. 

Grow up.

Doctors who’ve busted their asses DO NOT owe Occu-tards their labor, slaving for Occu-tards’ non-right to health care. Carpenters, architects, and construction workers ought not become Occu-tards’ serfs, supplying mythical free/affordable housing to support the Occu-tards’ alternative lifestyles. Entrepreneurs, business people have no obligation to employ stupid Occu-tards. If Occu-tards wish to end corporate greed (and I still do not know what that means), then throw down smart phones, laptops, etc. I dare Occu-tards to do that. Double dare! Occu-tards want to toss the rich in jail? Yes, Oprah Winfrey must be incarcerated, … along with Labron James, Rage Against the Machine, all rap stars, AND those who pull the strings of the Obama administration (oh, and the wealthiest person in the world is a Mexican national, by the way). 

Who will administer this justice?

Occu-tards, of course! Please go and fuck yourselves, Occu-tards, very hard. Kiss my WHOLE asshole!

A wave of sympathy hit me as I walked back to The Studio (my home base). Common cause could be made with sane people who questioned government policy. And those bold enough to make their objections public, who wanted to challenge the status quo, might be reached with the ideas of liberty and self-rule. Maybe polite conversation was possible with some of the protesters, I thought. Perhaps lending Occu-tards a critique they’ve never heard, never considered, … the idea that government as a principle is a negative, always a destroyer of peace and prosperity … maybe that could be conveyed to them. Planting a seed, as it were?

Protesting is a matter of conscience. It is a way of life, not a weekend in a tent being protected by San Diego Police (SDPD love, LOVE the Occu-tards, as the SDPD made grips and grips of overtime pay). Protesting is NOT PARTICIPATING in violence, force, and coercion. That means NOT advocating someone we don’t like, such as a rich dude, having his property taken and given to someone we DO like. Stealing is stealing, no matter your excuse. Protesting means REFUSING to legitimize the political process that enables military expansion. Taxes, health care, gay marriage, and so on are all MOOT issues … when put up against war, and warring is the Viagra to government adventurism the world over. Protesting means rejecting patriotism, the dehumanizing of individual personhood. Protesting means sharpening your mind in objective reality. THAT is protesting, punk.

You want a REAL protest? You want a REAL fucking up of the system? Start your own business. Grow it. Use it to treat your employees well. Use your capital to fund institutions that promote peace, volunteerism, and cooperation. LIVE OUTSIDE THE SYSTEM you despise. It’s not easy, no. It takes creativity, hard work, patience, and a spine.

Forcing people, using profane words like Occupy (NO ONE WILL EVER OCCUPY ME, ever), isn’t a protest. Occupation IS what governments DO, and occupation is the job of thugs and vile barbarians. You shouldn’t want to occupy ANYONE. A moral, ethical person wants freedom for everyone at the expense of no one.

But getting to the point of accepting ideas of REAL protest, REAL anarchy (self-rule), takes courage. The Occu-tards hide behind organizations and masks, bandannas, and force. THAT’S not protest. THAT’S not real, concrete change. That’s good, old fashioned tyranny.

I called her back. No thanks, I said.

And I mean it. 
Craig Edward Kelso is the author of Anarcho-Capitalism (2014), a primer on the philosophy of peaceful, stateless cooperation. His curriculum vitae include a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from San Diego State University, and a Post-Baccalaureate secondary education credential in both Social Science and English Language Arts. Kelso taught for nearly a decade in the American public school system, and was voted by colleagues Teacher of the Year, twice in his short tenure, earning numerous accolades from chambers of commerce, mayors, state assembly persons, governors, congresspersons, senators, and even Wal-Mart. Currently he struggles to earn an opportunity to be employed, working as a laborer, dishwasher. He is deliriously happily married to Myra Kelso, living in Southern California with their adorable children.

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