Saturday, June 28, 2014

CRAIG EDWARD KELSO, How to Be Rich, Bitch!

Fuck what you’ve heard.


Yeah, I said it.

I love, love it when some fucking dolt explains to me how money is the root of all evil. Love that. Really? I often ask in reply, Do you really believe that?

They’ll typically go on to lament how everyone else is obsessed with material gain, material wealth. They’ll drone on and on about supposedly deeper spiritual values and the like. What utter bullshit.

Rather than accept what they say, watch how they live.

If they’re working for the government, and they say something so incredibly immature as money and happiness not being related, throw up on their shoes. Of course money doesn’t matter to them since they’re earning a fat living at your expense. Oh, how evolved they are! They’re such better people! Please. Save. That. Shit.

My other favorite money-doesn’t-matter person is the college student. They’ll insist money doesn’t matter in their lives … as they live with their parents … pocket thousands in free federal and state financial aid … and so on. Hahahaha. Shut the fuck up. Fetch me a beer and get out of the way of the television, silly. You’re wasting my time.

The religious ascetic always causes deep internal laughter. The contemplative monk, who only wishes for his rice bowl and smock, is perhaps the greatest hypocrite. Again, the words escaping their mouths are mere snaps and whistles. Meaningless. Watch how they live. Where does the rice come from? Where does the shelter they need derive? And since their goal is to exist as a zucchini (seriously, they often tell of how they want to remove all thought and struggle from life – and, usually, I am the only person in the room who will think, what the fuck? Isn’t struggle and thought, like, life itself?), why do they need cell phones? Hahahaha. When stupid Americans aren’t around, monks in the East are busy in internet cafes updating their Facebook pages. 

Look, dummy, money does matter. It is a measure of your ability to exist in a complex society. Money buys you time and choice. The less you have of money the less you have available to you in terms of what to do with your time, your choices.

And, to be poor in the United States means you are fucking asinine. You’re lame. How can you be poor in the United States? Impossible. There’s a job around every corner. Money is flowing all over the place. You’re poor because you want to be poor. Don’t give me any excuse. I won’t hear it. If you’re able-bodied and able-minded, you can be fantastically wealthy by obeying a few simple rules.

Kelso Rule 1: Practice thrift. Whatever money you have, treasure it. Guard it. As a means of transaction, it can flow wherever you’d like. You can literally buy anything. Love. Food. Booty shorts. So on. Buy on the cheap. Let everyone else take the retail hit. Buy used. Use their idiocy and best them. Let them buy those booty shorts at full price. Go to a second-hand store and buy them for a severe discount. Make this thinking a way of life. You’re too good for retail. Slaves need brands and the latest in fashion. You really need designer toothpaste? Don’t be ridiculous.

Kelso Rule 2: Save. Don’t spend, fucker. S-A-V-E. Take a certain percentage and save it from every dollar you’re given or you’ve earned. I suggest twenty percent at a minimum. For those of you who graduated from a public school with honors, that means sock away two dollars for every ten. No? Okay, how about for every one hundred dollars, toss twenty aside not to be spent. Take the other eighty and spend like there is no tomorrow (see Kelso Rule 1). You won’t even notice the hit. Over time, that little habit will add up.

Kelso Rule 3: Invest. This one is a little trickier because most people who’ve never had money cannot imagine its function beyond spending. Those tickets get us goodies, right? It sometimes floors them to realize money can make money. Ah, yes it can. If you’re smart. Your governments practice the neat trick of inflation in order to finance their wars (which you blindly support) and social schemes (which you also blindly support) without having to resort to a direct tax. Yep. If you had to actually write a check, right now, for the cost of the war and public education, you’d shit yourself. The bill would be astronomical. In any event, what governments do is debase the currency, they inflate. They pump more dollars into the economy in various ways, making it appear you have more money than you actually do. And, of course, more dollars sloshing around means they are ultimately worth less every year (every day). The rule of thumb traditionally is you lose about three percent of value each year, give or take. And, to be honest, we’re in uncharted waters with all these bailouts (which you blindly supported), so take the 3 number with caution. But basically the dollar you hold today will be able to purchase only about 97 cents worth of booty shorts next year (not strictly correct, but you get the idea). YOU HAVE TO BEAT INFLATION in order to be rich. Investment comes in many forms, from the stock market to more conservative ventures. What you buy (Kelso Rule 1) is ultimately an investment if you really think about it. More often than not, you want to use your savings (Kelso Rule 2) and invest it in areas that appreciate in value. That means things whose value RISES over time. If you obey Kelso Rule 1 and 2, and then use the savings to buy a car … uh, you just blew the whole idea. Cars go down in value, they depreciate, over time (for the most part). Booty shorts go down in value over time. Again, don’t take your savings and buy stupid shit. Traditional appreciating assets include stocks and bonds, of course, but also real estate and land. I know, I know. You’ve heard this and that about housing prices, and it’s true everything can depreciate. But, again historically, land and commodities are good, solid investments.

Okay, so there is way more to the subject than the above. Way more. So many variables. Lots to talk about and study.

But erase from your mind the concept of money being unimportant or unnecessary. Such thinking will keep you poor and stupid, and you’ll constantly make excuses for why you’re broke.

Be a hero. Take your life seriously, and start with your spending and earning habits. Doing so, really at any point in your life but especially early, will lead to wonderful events. While your friends and family members struggle and fight and bitch and moan, you’ll be there to laugh at them. Just kidding. You’ll be there to help them. You’ll be the shining example.

Having money, enough to take care of yourself and the people you love, isn’t a small part of life. It is the foundation to a good life.

Don’t fuck that up.

And I mean it. 


Craig Edward Kelso is the author of Anarcho-Capitalism (2014), a primer on the philosophy of peaceful, stateless cooperation. His curriculum vitae include a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from San Diego State University, and a Post-Baccalaureate secondary education credential in both Social Science and English Language Arts. Kelso taught for nearly a decade in the American public school system, and was voted by colleagues Teacher of the Year, twice in his short tenure, earning numerous accolades from chambers of commerce, mayors, state assembly persons, governors, congresspersons, senators, and even Wal-Mart. Currently he struggles to earn an opportunity to be employed, working as a laborer, dishwasher. He is deliriously happily married to Myra Kelso, living in Southern California with their adorable children. 

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